Isn't there a more perfect...

...pop song than the Kinks' "Lola"?

And then I found out that it was about a tranny. Sigh.

Sample lyic: "Well I'm not the world's most physical guy...but when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine...Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand...why she walked like a woman and talked like a man." And then this: "Girls will be boys and boys will be girls...it's a mixed-up, muddled-up shook-up world (except for Lola)."

And here's the kicker: "But I know what I am I'm glad I'm a man and so is Lola."

Yep, pretty clear to me now. OK, fine...but it's a damn good little song anyway. Even if it's Eddie Murphy's most favoritest song ever.

Ah, I love frenemies...

One asked this morning how to ask in Spanish the sentence, "Where can I buy a washer and dryer?" Why she came to me, I have no idea.

She's now asking this in Spanish Harlem: "Voluntad usted lava mi parte posterior?" Which translates to, roughly, "will you wash my ass for me?"

I am evil, yes. Note: I would not have provided this, had I known she was not going with two large guys.

Bring on the negative karma.

Hurling Out of the Abyss

If another person comments on how slow this month is, work-wise, I will be forced to hurt them. Seriously. Please, someone throw me a life raft.

Meta "Gawker Gossip Hotties" Thought

The below did not actually happen, but it would be funny if it actually did.

Jessica--

I know we've had our differences, but regarding your search for Gawker Gossip Hotties nominations, I would like to nominate you, Jessica Coen, for your own contest. You are totally deserving and totally worthy, you little minx! Oh, and could I also throw one in for Paula Froelich as well?

All the best, hugs and kisses, and cheers,
Richard Johnson
New York's "Page Six" Column

So meta, on so many levels.

Cofusing "Sudoku" With "Sodoku"

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been bitten by the "Sudoku" bug (if you're not sure about what the heck I'm talking about, check out the Wikipedia listing). The New York Post has been including this in each edition of the paper, and I've been ripping it out to work on later in the day, along with Will Shortz's crossword puzzle in the New York Times.

I'll fill it out on the subway, in the coffee shop, during a quick smoke break, whenever.

But here is where I caution everyone else about telling people about their addiction to this puzzle. As I found out today, the similar-sounding and similarly-spelled "Sodoku" is "an infection resulting from exposure to rats. Rat bite is the most common form of transmission, but other rat-contaminated substances can also transfer the disease to humans."

I found this out the hard way yesterday, when -- after I was asked by an elderly gentleman what I was doing -- said I "was suffering from Sudoku."

The gentleman spoke to me for 20 minutes, telling me I should go to a doctor and asking more about me. I thought he was nuts, but he just misunderstood me. No wonder he told me to not let it fester. Here, he thought he was helping to save my life and I was merely tolerating him.

It only finally dawned on me tonight, coming across the eCureMe listing for "Sodoku" tonight when I was trying to find a puzzle helper site for "Sudoku," similar to OneAcross.com for the Times crossword.

Note to all I have confused: I am not suffering from a rat bite. I just need to go out more, obviously, and stop playing distracting games.

A Day Better than Christmas!

For us baseball fans, today is unlike any other-- baseball's trading deadline looms, ending at 4 p.m. EST.

It doesn't look like the Red Sox's Manny Ramirez is going anywhere, Alfonso Soriano has a 50/50 chance to go to the Minnesota Twins and a bevy of pitchers have their bags packed to go on to their next destination. And where are the A's and Yankees putting their chips?

As Mark Starr of Newsweek puts it, "[t]his is the week in baseball that the rich get richer and the poor get…well, maybe they get a glimmer of hope for the future. And this is the week that separates the fanatics from the fans. The fanatics wallow in the baseball fantasy. They dissect every rumor and dream of that one perfect player—or, if they are greedy, several—that can propel their favorite team to new heights. Virtually every player out there is fair game for our fevered imaginations."

That would describe me to a "t". For the majority of the day, I'll be reloading the ESPN newswire and RotoWorld incessantly, while tuned into ESPNews. I'm stocked up on cigarettes, food and Minute Maid. It will take a great deal to make me move from the couch (yes, I am wearing pants).

As Starr puts it, "we should really enjoy all those big trades now— before any are actually made. And before reality intrudes, as it so often does both in baseball and in life, to spoil all our fun."

[Update]: As Harold Reynolds just said on ESPNews, today was "very disappointing." No big trades at all, all that were traded was B-level players like Matt Lawton, Kyle Farnsworth, Geoff Blum, Buddy Groom and Ron Villone. Fanatics everywhere got COAL!

Note to Self...

Do not look to see if there is an expiration date on the bottom of the mayonnaise jar, especially when you flip it upside down and you have taken off the lid. According to the law of physics (albeit not specifically), the mayo will exit the jar. Onto yor rug. Ugh.

Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Krucoff!

The latest edition of Gawker Hotties has hit, this time featuring the women of Conde Nast. No comment, other than the above.

Also, on another Gawker-related note, I think this is perhaps the best, vicious, funniest putdown I've ever seen on the site, equating CBS' "The Early Show" ratings prowess with their upcoming softball game against "Good Morning America": "This should be a fun game to watch, mostly because it’ll be fascinating to see the "Early Show" folks play. A softball game involves only two teams, so how will they manage to end up in a distant third place? We’re sure they’ll find a way."

Daaaamn.

Beauty and the Beast, Respectively

So this is how I appear to others, eh? I'm never leaving the apartment again.

The amazingly intelligent gal on the left is Rachel Sklar, editor of mediabistro's FishbowlNY, a gossip blog devoted to New York media. Love the site, be sure to visit it. Met her at the mediabistro party this Tuesday, at Mannahatta.

I am such a geek for even asking the photographer for the photo. Argh. Many thanks to Brian Van Nieuwenhoven, the mb photographer and editor of the NY Post "Meet Market" review site The Lectern for putting up with me.

Harry Reid, Former Boxer, Connects With a Right Hook

The more I see of Harry Reid (the senator from Nevada and Senate Democratic leader), the more I like him.

To wit, Reid takes stock on the Senate’s 100th day of legislative business: “In the past 100 days, Republicans found time to confirm right-wing judges, to protect Karl Rove and to take up the business of their special interest friends. But at the same time, they couldn’t spend an extra day supporting our troops or helping families afford health care. It’s a record that reveals how out of touch Republicans have become. There are not many days left on the Senate Calendar, but there is still time for Republicans to stop doing the business of a radical few and to join Democrats in taking up a common-sense reform agenda that works for America’s families.”

He then goes on to list, point by point, what has been "accomplished" during this time.

Beautifully, beautifully positioned.